I experience Mother’s Day like most mom’s–flowers, handmade cards, breakfast in bed (usually Cheerios). Lot’s of love and extra hugs and appreciation.
But here’s the problem: I kinda hate Mother’s Day. (I recognize that this is an anti-American sentiment and am prepared for the backlash against all things apple-pie, but hear me out on this.)
Before I was a mom
Before I was the mom, I would be sure to call the appropriate moms in my life and thank them for their year of service. I’ve had different mom-types in my life; from my mom, my stepmom, moms-in-law, and an older sister who functions very much like a mom to me. Even after my mother died, I still had plenty of people who filled that role in my life to thank.
And then I was a mom
My first Mother’s Day was, uh, underwhelming to say the least. I was due with our first child within a few weeks, and apparently, the 9 months of care and concern and research and concern and eliminating things from my life and concern…..well, it didn’t occur to my dear bemused husband that I was a mother yet. No one wished me a Happy Mother’s Day until an old lady at church did. To which Darling looked slightly surprised and muttered in passing, ‘Oh, yeah, Happy Mother’s Day”. Not that I’m bitter.
With all my kids now exterior, I’ve had various seasons of Mother’s Day. From the ‘I need a freakin’ day AWAY from you people!’ and ‘Can’t I PLEASE just sleep in ONE DAY A YEAR!’ to ‘Wow, uh, thanks for the non-existent effort to honor me….no, really, I’ll fix lunch.’ Not that my family doesn’t make an effort to make the day special (’cause they do), but there’s a lot of expectation built up around Mother’s Day. How much honor is enough? Do we have to honor all day or just until after brunch? Can we still have a playdate?
Part of my problem is that there are times when I feel like I am a horrible mother, and Mother’s Day just makes it worse. I hate those ‘World’s BEST Mom!’ cards. ‘Cause, ya know what? There are days I don’t like much about mothering and those stupid cards just make me want to hurt someone at Hallmark. Why don’t ya just pour some salt in there while you’re at it?
And then there is the part of me that is sad for woman I know who aren’t moms–either by choice or by circumstances. I feel a bit awkward about being honored as a mom when they aren’t honored in other ways that celebrate them. If you have a friend who has struggled to get pregnant or lost a baby, you know what I mean. I want to tell them all the ways I think they rock and I am sad that Mother’s Day feels a little…exclusive.
This year, I am especially thoughtful because my sister-in-law just passed away, leaving 4 grown children and her newborn grandbaby to face this day without her. I think of the mother of her grandchild and the bitter sweetness of her first Mother’s Day–as a mom and as mourning her mother.
I think that lots of moms feel the way I do–that in a good year, you don’t really want the praise Mother’s Day brings, and in a bad year, you feel like you don’t deserve it. And then there’s the sense that we are leaving some of our darling friends and family members out of the club.
Maybe we could just have Woman’s Day. And then I could go to the mountains with my girlfriends and sisters and we could celebrate all the women in our lives, no exceptions.
© 2010, melissa caddell. All rights reserved. If you steal my stuff, I will also be really, really mad.
Wonder what your kids are reading?Bookalachi is your source for parent reviews of kid & YA books!
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
For the most part, I think i agree with you. I do, however, know that being a mother takes an extra ounce of effort and self-sacrifice that those who aren’t mothers don’t have to give. I’m not saying that they don’t WANT to give it (in the case of those who aren’t able to have babies but desperately want to), or aren’t capable of it, but they haven’t had to. For that reason–for the extra sacrifice–it’s nice to be celebrated and honored on a special day.
Yes, we should all honor our mothers always, but like most things, if we aren’t intentional (like assigning a special day) things often get overlooked.
Thanks for this article. I’m in the camp of setting myself up to be disappointed on M-Day – I think of all the lovely Hallmark commercials and then roll over to realize my 5 yr old brought me a day-old cold pancake lathered in butter and a squished banana (no plate) and thank God for the blessings! In my life the role of step-mother to 2 adolescent, non-communicative sons has much more amplified the disappointment associated with having expectations on M-Day. I will never measure up to their birth mother, no matter the sacrifices that I make (and have made for them) – hello, no “newlywed” year(s) – I can only again count the blessings that God has given and realize how darn lucky I am! After tearfully confessing to my 14 yr old s-son my insecurities, he said I think everyday should be M-Day…and I’m kinda okay with that!
Me too. I like the idea of Mother’s day more than the day itself. I don’t feel like being honored, because I am pretty average in the parental department. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids almost beyond words, but being honored? Notsomuch. However — you totally rock as a Mom!
Great article Melissa!
Megan–Yes, mothering does require a more selfless slant on life, but so does taking care of a elderly or sick relative. Or leaving your family to go be a missionary. Or any number of careers or life circumstances. My thought, though, is that Mother’s Day doesn’t seem to strike the chord lots of moms want it to. In some ways, it feels a little forced (not that we don’t want to honor moms, and you’re right that if we didn’t have a day to do it, some moms would never get thanked). I appreciate the thanks, but I also feel like I could’ve done a better job that year, know what I mean?
Michele–as a step-child, can I apologize to you for the ways I didn’t think of my stepmother as a ‘real’ mom for years? (aren’t teens fun? I did get much more appreciative and thankful later on!).
Robin–Can I knowledge your sense that I rock but completley disagree? I have many people I deeply admire as moms (you being one of them), but it’s hard to pinpoint what it is that makes me consider them to be great moms. Hmmm. I’ll have to think about that.
Thanks for popping in to chat about this. I know mother-assumptions can dreg up some feelings and expectations we don’t normally think about.
While I don’t know exactly what I would consider to be the perfect Mother’s Day–part of it is knowing that my family honestly considers that I speak life and blessing into them, and not nagging and cursing. I”m generally on my best behavior on Mother’s Day. :)
Thought-provoking! I’m glad you aired this issue. I am not a fan of Mother’s day, and neither is my mother, who asked me as a child, not to feel compelled to buy a card, as it was extortion on the part of card companies. She didn’t want to be pigeonholed in this sugary and idealised way, or made use of. Nevertheless, I did send cards, ignoring her pleas, as defying convention in this way is always tricky. One suspects that deep-down, there will always be a ‘didn’t get one pang’ – whether induced by rapacious card-companies or otherwise. Hallmark have all the exits covered. :D
I totally agree about honouring what is motherly, as it is not always the same thing as being a mother. Giving birth doesn’t seem to endow everyone with the qualities they need to be up for the job, whereas I have seen the essence of motherliness in certain women who don’t have children, but who live to offer comfort and support to people of all ages, and really fly the flag for the God-given gifts which Women’s Day would indeed celebrate.