Interestingly, I thought I had conquered most of my issues with being, well, uh, ’submissive’ (*shudder*). Clearly, not so.
When we got married, I actually changed our vows so that I wouldn’t have to say ‘love, honor, and obey’ to ‘love, honor and cherish’. Cherish, I could do. Obey? Hello? What century are we in?
Yes, I get that even businesses need the one person to lead, to take the authority, to be the final answer. Really. I get it. Kinda.
It was just that being raised in the 70’s and 80’s…well, I just didn’t get why my husband got to be the leader.
God worked on me (as he tends to do when I am wildly wrong about something), and over the years, I started to figure out what being submissive meant, more or less. It kinda grated on me, though, the whole idea of being under Casey’s authority. I mean, who made him the leader? (I can hear the more spiritually mature wives either chuckle at this or shake their heads at me.)
I liked the part about it where Casey was going to have to answer to God about stuff, and I liked that he was responsible for decisions and the outcome of those. And I guess I mostly worked with it because I didn’t disagree with him on big decisions much.
Until now. I had a moment yesterday when I flat out told him I wasn’t going to do something he thought we should do (in regards to our kids’ schooling). It felt awful and selfish and, well, awful. I can’t ever remember openly defying him like that in 15 years of marriage. And I know he’s right, I just don’t like it. His choice requires personal growth on my part and I am not a fan of personal growth cause it’s painful and has no guaranteed outcome (unlike birth, where you at least get a cute baby at the end).
I thought I had come so far on the submitting thing, but it turns out I haven’t. I still cringe when I hear sermons about it in church, and even just hearing the word ’submit’ gives me a bugs-crawling-all-over-my-skin feeling. So, it seems that I may have a grasp on it mentally, but it hasn’t fully made it’s way into my heart. Ugh.
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